Janine, a 47-year-old gay woman, had battled juvenile arthritis since the age of 15. She prided herself on embracing yoga into daily life, practicing good nutrition, and having a good attitude. However, with the discovery of a lump in her breast and diagnosis of breast cancer, she became angry. "Why me?" she ranted on to Jill, her partner of 15 years. This "why me?" brought up a flood of angry emotions unresolved from childhood. Janine began to focus on how "different" she had always been because of the arthritis, and how unfair her life seemed to be.
After some months of chemotherapy, Janine started to process her anger and, through a coaching relationship, began to focus on the gifts of being "different." She realized that the resilience she developed as a child to deal with being different, e.g., not being able to partake in some sports and having to take rest breaks after school, allowed her the courage to "come out" as a gay women in her early 20s. Janine began to see how she could have made other choices that might not have been so favorable to her now. She began to see the power of her current situation. With renewed energy, she volunteered at the Arthritis Foundation, focusing on Youth Support.
What have been the adversities in your life? How can they be reframed for your benefit? Can you see the choices you have made on your journey that have allowed you to arrive where you are right now? How can this new self-knowledge help you to take your next step?
Change Your Environment. As an occupational therapist I look at a person's experience as being powerfully affected by both inner and outer environments. Same person plus different environment equals different outcomes. We often forget this powerful variable and get into a "rut" due to years of doing the same thing. Midlife is a time to shake ourselves up a bit.
Sarah was a 60-year-old married woman living in upstate New York, with four grown daughters and ten grandchildren. Sarah was the family matriarch in this strong Jewish family, and had worked for years as a social worker in an agency that supported women who were victims of domestic violence. After her mother's death ten years ago, Sarah had looked after a very demanding father who lived in Florida, as well as her husband's mother, a widow, aged 85 and still living on her own.
Sarah, after years of wanting to travel to New Zealand and being able to afford it, but denying herself the pleasure due to guilt for all the starving children in the world, finally came to do a women-only inner/outer six-day adventure on New Zealand's South Island. She had not had a vacation in 10 years, instead taking her vacation times to babysit grandchildren, or visit her father, or catch up on home management tasks.
This adventure took Sarah away from the demanding voices of her children, grandchildren, in-laws, father and others. Her adventure dictated that she had no computer, clock, schedule, or television. Hiking for 4-6 hours a day with six other women, Sarah was strongly affected by the outer environment of nature.
Daily journaling, group ceremony and facilitation gave her insights to share with other women, and Sarah started to question her beliefs. For the first time in her life, she began to see herself as a woman without attachments, a woman with a mission of her own. Sarah began to see how she was "controlling" her own life by not letting her daughters be independent of her ongoing guidance. She also saw that there were many areas in her father's and mother-in-law's lives where she could set boundaries. Most significantly, the achievement of backpacking the journey on her own and facing her thoughts and beliefs gave her the courage to "face anything!"
Sarah went home to re-create relationships with her entire family. While some of them welcomed her changes, others were scared and slower to adapt. Sarah was ready for this. She had gained courage to ride out any familial storm through having changed her inner/outer environment. Walks on the weekend and daily journaling kept her courage well-fueled.
How long has it been since you purposefully changed your environment for any length of time? What strengths would you discover if you challenged yourself to do things you've never done before?
Midlife is a time of transformation. To deny this is to deny ourselves an opportunity for growth and discovery. As with any transition, a middle ground exists, a valley that we all must walk through. Discovering our own spirit of adventure affords us the courage that allows us to cross the valley with more certainty, less pain, and the ability to look back over our shoulder and say, "If I can do that, what else can I do?"
Jennifer Wright, “Mid-Life Spirit of Adventure Guide for Women” coaches women globally in over-40 transitions of mid-crisis, pre-retirement, empty nest, career change, and workplace adaptations to find adventure in life overwhelm. Trained as an occupational therapist and later as a life coach, Jenn combines the physical, emotional and spiritual elements in her coaching for women. Featured in TIME magazine’s Female Midlife Crisis 2006 edition, 60 Minutes, she is now waiting a PEOPLE magazine feature. Visit her website at [http://www.midlifeadventure.com] and sign up for her free monthly adventure newsletter and receive her article Top Ten Ways for Successful Midlife Transition.
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